Naruto Fortress 2
by Shidomaru of the Bloody Mist
Summary: This is a joke fanfic that randomly popped up in my head. It's not meant to make sense with the Naruto canon. It's meant to just laugh at each Naruto character's assigned role and its coincidences. If you don't know Team Fortress 2 you won't get the jokes. Warning: The violence level is the same as in TF2, which is very high.
1. Meet Shikamaru the Engineer

Sitting on a little chair, with a truck right behind him, Shikamaru was calmly playing a guitar…

"Hey look, buddy… I'm Shikamaru the Engineer" Shikamaru said as he continued playing his guitar. "That means I solve problems" he added

Then suddenly a shuriken landed on the truck close to Shikamaru's shoulder, but he was unfazed and just kept calmly playing…

"Not problems like "What is beauty?", because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy" Shikamaru said before another shuriken and a kunai landed dangerously close to his head, miraculously missing him though he didn't give a fuck about it. "I solve practical problems" Shikamaru declared as he briefly stopped playing…

At that moment Shikamaru put his hand into the box beside him and grabbed a bottle from which he started to drink while some gun shots were heard beside him and a voice screamed in pain. As Shikamaru put the bottle back on the box, a little counter shifted from 209 to 210, evidently the number of victims killed. Shikamaru then continued playing the guitar…

"For instance: How am I gonna stop some big mean motherfucker from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?" Shikamaru said…

Then the sentry turret beside him beeped, aimed automatically at Tobi who was sniping on Shikamaru from an angle with his rifle, and then the machine fired a few kunai at Tobi, killing him…

"The answer…" Shikamaru said as another sentry turret with two machine guns aimed automatically at another enemy and killed him with a barrage of shuriken. "…use a gun… and if that don't work…" Shikamaru added before another sentry gun, this time with a rocket launcher, fired at another enemy. At this moment it was revealed that Shikamaru was already surrounded by many sentry guns firing at his enemies for him "…use _more_ gun" Shikamaru concluded…

Shikamaru stopped playing the guitar briefly to watch the kunai with explosive tag fired by the rocket launcher make an enemy ninja blow up into pieces, and smiled…

"_My arm!_" Hidan screamed in pain, and then his severed hand landed beside Shikamaru and the gun automatically pointed at it. Shikamaru just didn't give a fuck and kept playing the guitar…

"Like this heavy-caliber tripod-mounted little old number designed by me…" Shikamaru said before kicking the severed hand away, just in time for the turret to follow it and shoot at it "…built by me" Shikamaru added before the same gun automatically pointed at another enemy and killed him. "And you'd best hope…" Shikamaru said before stopping playing the guitar and looking seriously at the camera "…not pointed at _you_"

And so Shikamaru kept on playing his guitar nonchalantly in the middle of the battlefield while his turrets killed all of the Akatsuki ninjas coming his way trying to kill him, Kisame and Zetsu already dead in front of him while Pain and Kakuzu attempted to attack him only to suffer the same fate…


	2. Meet Choji the Heavy

Choji walked towards the camera, carrying a huge machine gun fitting for his size, and dropped it on a box, flattening it under the weapon's sheer weight, and then he sat on the nearby chair…

"I am Choji the heavy weapons guy…" Choji said. "…and _this_ is my weapon" he added while gripping on the huge machine gun's handle. "She weighs one-hundred-fifty kilograms and fires two-hundred-ryo custom-tooled kunai at ten-thousand rounds per minute…" he added, and then he looked seriously at the camera. "It costs four-hundred thousand ryo to fire this weapon… for _twelve seconds_…" Choji concluded…

In another clip Choji was filmed laughing hard. In another one he was examining his huge machine gun when he was suddenly horrified. "Oh, my god! Who touched Sasha?" he wondered. "All right…" he muttered while looking to his left. "_Who touched my gun?_" Choji yelled angrily…

In the next clip, Choji looked somewhat sad. "Some people think they can outsmart me… Hmph… maybe…" Choji said before sniffing as if about to cry. "…maybe… I've yet to meet one that can outsmart _kunai_" Choji suddenly said seriously towards the camera while showing one of the big kunai that serve as ammunition for his big machine gun…

After that, Choji was seen at the battlefield firing his machine gun and laughing maniacally as he killed the Akatsuki ninjas. "_Cry some mooooooore!_" he shouted at them while killing them. Then once they were all dead he calmed down and laughed a little more calmly. "Cry some more…" he repeated happily…


	3. Meet Naruto the Scout

The curtain opened and Naruto, accompanied by Lee, was ready to start the mission. Tobi was looking for a target to snipe on from a far window. In another window Naruto could see Zetsu standing and Sasori carrying stuff, along with the sentry puppet guns the latter built on the roof…

After examining the battlefield carefully, Naruto smiled and charged along with the rest of his team. Sasori controlled his sentry puppet gun to fire at the Leaf ninjas, but Naruto was running too fast and the poisoned senbon missed him. Naruto was in fact running so fast he jumped from one rooftop to another one several meters away. A kunai with an explosive tag zipped past him, missing him. Naruto even outran a train and even crossed the railroad right in front of it unscathed…

Next we see the big sign saying "Meet Naruto the Scout", and Naruto himself came walking casually. "Uh… I-I don't even know where to start with you!" Naruto said quickly and somewhat confidently. "I mean, do you even know who you're talking to?"

Kisame was about to eat BBQ when somebody suddenly poked his head with the tip of a baseball bat. Kisame looked beside himself to find Naruto crouching on top of a box. "Yo, what's up?" Naruto greeted him…

Back at the sign, Naruto continued talking. "D-Do you have _any_ idea… _any_ idea who I am?" Naruto said boastfully to the camera…

Back with Kisame, he was trying to pound his fists into Naruto, but the big guy was too slow for his smaller and more agile opponent…

"Basically… kind of a big deal. Believe it!" Naruto said to the camera. Then Naruto was shown trying to strangle Kisame from behind with his baseball bat. "Oh man, that's beautiful" Naruto said while looking at his own flexed bicep and laughing, before more scenes of the struggle between Kisame and Naruto were shown. Kisame seemed to be winning at that time…

"You listening? Okay… Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines… and brother, I hurt people! Believe it!" Naruto boasted, and then another clip showed him hitting Kisame's nuts with the baseball bat. "I'm a force of nature! Believe it!" Naruto said as another clip showed Naruto further beating on the Akatsuki ninja. "If you were from where I was from, you'd be fucking dead! Believe it!" Naruto said as another clip showed him delivering the final blow to Kisame's head. "_Wooooo!_" Naruto shouted…

A final clip showed Naruto eating the BBQ while sitting on Kisame's corpse…


	4. Meet Lee the Soldier

Itachi laughed maniacally as he burned everything down with his flamethrower, but just when he lifted his weapon up and screamed boastfully, a rocket came out of nowhere and blew Itachi to pieces…

Deidara was drinking alcohol from a bottle when suddenly another rocket blew him up…

"_Pow!_" Kisame said, pretending his hand was a gun as he impersonated a cowboy, but yet another rocket blew him up as well…

Lee was then seen wearing a soldier's green helmet in front of what seemed to be a line of rookie recruits wearing the same helmets…

"If fighting is sure to result in victory, _then you must fight_!" Lee said, and then he turned around to one of the supposed new recruits. "Guy-sensei said that, and I'd say he knows a _little_ more about fighting than you, pal, _because he invented it_!" he added while touching that recruit's helmet. "And then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor!"

In the next clip we see Lee screaming madly and charging to the battlefield, shooting an Akatsuki member along the way and killing him. An explosion detonated behind him as he kept on running. "To the left!" someone yelled to Lee as Kakuzu came into the scene to try to shoot him…

"_Maggot!_" Lee shouted as he fired his rocket launcher to blow Kakuzu to pieces. "Go, go, go!" Lee kept yelling as he led his team, accompanied by Choji and Neji…

Back with the recruits, Lee was continuing with his speech. "The he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one!" Lee said, obviously not having the faintest idea what he was talking about…

The next clip showed Lee still running through the battlefield. He reached Sasori and his puppet and blew them both up with another rocket, and then he ran on a huge pipe and jumped from it, just above Kisame and Itachi, and blew them up by firing another missile before even landing. Right after he landed, Zetsu emerged behind him trying to stab him in the back, but Lee quickly turned around and hit him in the face with a shovel, knocking him out…

Back with the recruits, Lee laughed as he remembered everything, but then he suddenly became serious again. "And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called _a zoo_!" Lee said while putting his face right in front of one of the supposed recruits. However, it turned out there weren't any recruits at all and all along it was the severed heads of all the Akatsuki members put on a fence, and Kakuzu's head fell to the ground. Lee crouched down, put his face near Kakuzu's face and added "Unless it's a farm!"


	5. Meet Neji the Sniper

A truck was rolling down the road. Inside the cabin there was a little Orochimaru bobblehead doll standing over the control panel. "_Boom_… Headshot" Neji said as he poked the doll's head with his finger…

"Sniping's a good job, mate… It's challenging work, out of doors… I guarantee you won't go hungry…" Neji said while driving the truck…

The next clip showed Neji brushing his teeth. Beside the mirror were little pictures of Kakuzu, Kisame and Hidan. The Kakuzu and Hidan pictures were crossed out since Neji already killed them…

"…'cause at the end of the day, as long as there's two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead" Neji said…

Kisame was happily firing his huge machine gun killing Leaf ninjas but then Neji used his Byakugan and aimed at Kisame's head with his rifle, firing a perfectly aimed shot that killed Kisame instantly. Also, the kunai fired burst Deidara's bottle while he was drinking from it, resulting in the broken bottle burying into his eye. Deidara screamed in pain as he fired his grenade launcher madly and aimlessly but in the end his own bombs bounced back and hit him in the head, knocking him out of wherever he was standing and blowing him to pieces…

In the next clip Neji is talking through the phone. "Hiashi-sama? Hiashi-sama, I'm a… not a crazed gunman, Hiashi-sama! I'm an assassin!... Well, the difference being one's a job and the other's mental sickness!" an annoyed Neji said…

Then we see Neji driving the truck again. "I'll be honest with you… My clan… does not care for it" Neji said…

In the next clip Neji climbed a very tall tower and was again using the Byakugan with his rifle in order to snipe on any Akatsuki members…

"I think his mate saw me…" Neji said before some kunai and shuriken were fired at him and forced him to duck down behind the wall. "Yes! Yes he did!" Neji said…

Time passed as Neji remained inside an enclosed room sniping on Akatsuki ninjas through a little window, sipping from his coffee occasionally and accumulating jars of what seemed to be his pee as the hours passed and the sun made its whole circle around the sky…

"Feelings?" Neji said while stabbing Zetsu from behind and killing him. "Look, mate… You know who's a lot of feelings? Blokes that bludgeon their wife to death with a golf trophy. Professionals have _standards_"

"Be polite" Neji said while the clip showed him respectfully bowing to the dead Zetsu. "Be efficient" Neji said as the clip showed him landing a perfect headshot on Kakuzu and then Pain and then Itachi. "Have a plan to kill everyone you meet" Neji concluded while firing his rifle more and more, concluding with a shot at the camera…

Then Neji again appeared talking through the phone, completely annoyed. "Hiashi-sama!… Hiashi-sama, put… Put Hinata-sama on the phone!" Neji said…


	6. Meet Ten Ten the Demo Girl

**I'm not sure that this chapter turned out as good as it should have been :/ …To all of you Ten Ten fanboys who want to touch her boobs, Ten Ten is actually one of the few female characters in the Naruto series that I **_**do not**_** hate. However, since she plays the role of the Demoman, I needed a physical trait for her to complain about, and Ten Ten is not black and is not missing an eye. What do anime girls frequently complain about their own bodies? Their supposed lack of boobs, of course! I wanted to get that out of the way before Ten Ten fanboys all over the world start flaming me for calling Ten Ten flat-chested. Even though I have a sexual obsession for Hinata, I'm a foot fetishist and thus I have a tendency to overlook boobs regardless of their size. Now that this point is clear, on with the fanfic…**

Ten Ten was running through a hallway with explosions behind her, and then she jumped out with the explosion as background like in the movies…

"What makes me a good Demo Girl?" Ten Ten asked rhetorically. "_If I were a bad Demo Girl I wouldn't be sitting here discussing it with you now, would I?_" she suddenly yelled, sitting in front of a table with her weapons on it…

"_Leeeeet's do iiiiit!_" Ten Ten yelled before following the rest of her team of Leaf ninjas into the battlefield, running while avoiding more explosions. "Not one of you is gonna survive this!" Ten Ten yelled…

"One crossed wire, one wayward pinch of potassium chlorate, one errant twitch… _and kablooey!_" Ten Ten said. Then the clip showed her using her grenade launcher to fire a bomb that bounced on the wall and landed on Itachi, blowing him up. In the next clip she's seen drinking from a bottle, and in the next one we see one of Sasori's puppets using two big guns and firing kunai with explosive tags at Ten Ten. After we see her drink some more we see her running alongside Naruto while the explosive kunai miss Ten Ten, though Naruto is taken down by an enemy shot to the leg. Ten Ten fires some grenades at the puppet and blows it up…

Back at the interview, Ten Ten rudely put the empty bottle back on the table. "…n' I got small boobs… I'm a brunette Chinese flat-chest!" Ten Ten lamented. "They got more f$%&$"$ #·!ª&$·% than they've got the likes of me!" she said almost crying. "_So!_" she suddenly exclaimed angrily…

The next clip showed Ten Ten running in the battlefield. "To all you fine dandies, so proud… so cock-sure, prancing about with your heads full of tit porn!" Ten Ten said, seeing Kisame, Kakuzu, Pain, Zetsu and Tobi, _all_ chasing after her. Ten Ten smiled and started running away with the Akatsuki ninjas following her. "Come and get me, I say! I'll be waiting for you with a whiff of the old brimstone!" Ten Ten yelled, and then she found a proper place to lay a trap. Ten Ten started firing kunai with explosive tags, nailing them on the frame of the door. "_I'm a grim bloody fable with an unhappy bloody end!_" Ten Ten yelled as Kisame and the other Akatsuki realized they had stepped right into Ten Ten's trap. Ten Ten saluted them right before the explosive tags blew up and left the Akatsuki ninjas in pieces…

Ten Ten laughed as she walked up to the camera on the ground, which would be one of the Akatsuki ninjas' heads. She crouched down to talk to the dead Akatsuki member's severed head. "Oh, they're gonna have to glue you back together _in hell_!" Ten Ten said angrily but mockingly…


	7. Meet Sakura the Medic

It was the dawn of another day at the battlefield. "Move, Ten Ten! Move!" Naruto yelled as he and Ten Ten were being forced to run away, overpowered by the Akatsuki members firing rockets at them. They were both in very bad shape, in fact Ten Ten had to use a wheelchair and Naruto's ribs were broken. "C'mon! C'mon! Almost…!" Naruto said, but a missile reached him and blew him away. Naruto struggled to get up, but the pain was too much and more missiles were headed his way. "Whoa! What the fu…?" Naruto screamed, but he couldn't even end the phrase when the missiles sent him flying and crashing right into the camera. "Medic…" Naruto called…

Choji was laughing at the tale Sakura was telling him. "Wait, it gets better! When the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing and the doctor was never heard from again!" Sakura said to Choji as if it were something really funny, while Choji was lying on the operating table with his chest wide open showing his insides and without any anesthesia. Sakura then laughed, really amused at her own anecdote followed soon by a loud laugh from Choji.

Sakura was holding Choji's beating heart in her hand, completely separated from Choji's body. How Choji was alive was unknown…

"Anyway… That's how I lost my medical license" Sakura said once the laughs calmed down a bit. Shizune's pig Tonton suddenly popped out of Choji's innards. "Tonton, _no_! It's filthy in there!" Sakura said while scaring Tonton out of Choji's body. Choji looked at Sakura's eyes. "Pigs…" Sakura said as if it was something of little importance, and then she laughed…

Sakura then took a strange machine with her other hand. "Now, most hearts couldn't withstand this voltage, but I've faith in yours…" she said as she attached the machine into Choji's heart and exposed it to the radiation of some other machine. Choji's heart blew up before Sakura was finished talking and a piece of it struck Tonton in the face and knocked him out…

"What was noise?" a slightly worried Choji asked…

"The sound of progress, my friend!" Sakura answered to hide her blatant failure, and then she opened a fridge where a number of things were stored, among them a mega baboon heart. "Ah… perfect" Sakura said as she took the mega baboon heart out of the fridge, revealing Zetsu's severed head right behind it…

"Kill me" Zetsu's severed head said…

"Later" Sakura replied before closing the fridge. "Where was I? …Ah, here we go…" Sakura said as she attached the machine to the new heart. "Come on… come on…" she said as she exposed the heart to the radiation of the other machine. The heart started beating faster and faster as Sakura laughed maniacally. Choji was confused, but he decided to play along and laugh with her…

At some point it seemed the mega baboon's heart would explode as well, but the experiment this time was successful and the powered-up heart was beating just fine. "That looks good" Sakura said before just throwing the new heart into Choji's opened-up body. "We put this here…" she continued…

"Should I be awake for this?" Choji asked…

Sakura laughed. "Well, no… But as long as you are, could you hold your ribcage open a bit? I can't… seem…" she said as she tried to force the heart into Choji's chest, which resulted in something breaking inside Choji's body and making him scream in pain…

Choji found himself with his own rib in his hand, looking at it. "Oh, don't be such a baby. Ribs grow back" Sakura said while taking Choji's rib from his hand and throwing it away. "No, they don't" she then whispered to Tonton…

Sakura then pointed that big radiation-emitting machine at Choji's open body. The machine fired a medical beam of chakra at Choji's open chest, completely healing him and closing him in seconds and even restoring his clothes and armor for some reason. Choji smirked as he watched his body become good as new. Finding himself completely cured and with a glowing red light inside his chest, he took a deep sniff, feeling great…

"What happens now?" Choji asked Sakura…

Choji and Sakura held hands in a manly handshake. "Now?" Sakura said while helping Choji get up and chuckling. "Let's go practice medicine…" Sakura said with an evil grin, and then she prepared her equipment and her medigun…

Sakura came out of the hospital in slow-motion with a light behind her, making her look like a hero. Choji soon came running from behind her and into the battlefield. The situation outside looked grim. Ten Ten on her wheelchair was trying to escape the missiles. "_Medic!_" Ten Ten yelled, but then a missile reached her and blew her away. She landed right in front of Sakura…

Sakura immediately readied her medigun and fired the healing beam at Ten Ten. As a result, Ten Ten easily got up like her legs had never been broken in the first place and she even broke the casts on her arms. Good as new, Ten Ten took her grenade launcher and went back to the battle…

Sakura then pointed the medigun at Naruto, who got up like nothing happened and even the tooth he lost grew back and even shined. Fully healed, he happily took his baseball bat and went back into the fight to smack Pain in the face while saying "Believe it!"

Choji was ducking behind a truck, watching more Pains coming at them…

"Sakura! Are you sure this will work?" Choji yelled at Sakura…

Sakura laughed. "I have no idea!" she replied happily as she changed the mode of her medigun to UberCharge…

Sakura fired the medical beam at Choji, who then confronted the Pains. Choji screamed fiercely as he got so powered up that his eyes glowed an ominous red color, the mega baboon heart with a machine that Sakura put into his body began to react and pump blood faster. Choji started slowly walking while tearing the Pains apart with his machine gun. The rockets fired by the Pains did not affect him, and Choji laughed out loud maniacally. Shikamaru and Neji, who were struggling to defend the village, looked at him in shock…

"_I'm bulletproof!_" Choji shouted out loud as he killed _all_ of the army of Pains attacking them. Then he climbed the mountain of corpses, all the time with Sakura behind, constantly applying the UberCharge on him. Sakura stood tall at the top of the pile of Pains with Choji still firing his gun like crazy…

Some time later, after the battle, the rest of the Leaf ninja team was at the waiting room. Shikamaru playing guitar, Sai reading, Sasuke trying to set a magazine on fire with a little lighter and Lee standing up straight instead of on a chair…

"That looks good… very nice here… yes!" Sakura said inside of the operating room…

"Heh heh… Thanks, Sakura-chan!" Naruto replied before happily kicking the door open, feeling good as new. "Ho-ho-ho, _man_! You'll not believe… how much this hurts" Naruto said happily…

"Poyo! Poyo!" Tonton said from inside Naruto's body…

"Tonton?" a surprised Sakura said while turning around…


	8. Meet Sai the Spy

An alarm sounded at the Akatsuki base. "Intruder alert! Leaf spy in base!" the computer said…

"A Leaf spy is in the base?" Pain in front of the computer said…

Pain took his shotgun. "Protect the scroll!" the computer said as Pain hurried to the place. "We need to protect the scroll!" he exclaimed…

"Yo! A li'l help here?" Hidan said as he tried to open the reinforced door to no avail…

"All right, all right, I've got it. Stand back, son" Pain said as he pushed Hidan out of the way and stood in front of the numeric panel to input the password. "1, 1, 1 and… 1" Pain said, inputting 1111 as the password…

"Let's go let's go!" a hurrying Hidan urged Pain…

Kisame suddenly came running with his machine gun ready. "_I'm comiiiiiiiing!_" he yelled, crashing into Pain and Hidan and into the door, breaking it open. Kisame still screamed like mad, expecting to meet the enemy…

"Hey, it's still here!" Hidan exclaimed as he found the scroll still safe…

"All right, then" Kisame said as he calmed down…

"Ahem! Gentlemen…" Zetsu said as he entered the room, carrying a body on his shoulder. "I see the scroll is safe" he added as he walked further in…

"Safe and sound" Pain said…

"Yeah, it is" Hidan said…

"Tell me, did anyone happen to kill a Leaf spy on the way here?" Zetsu asked, but got no answer except a shrug from Hidan. "No?... Then we still have a problem…" Zetsu said as he put Tobi's corpse on the table, with an Anbu sword buried into his back…

"…And a sword" Pain added…

"Ooh-hoo-hoo, big problem" Hidan said sarcastically as he took the sword out of Tobi's dead body. "I've killed plenty of spies! They're dime-a-dozen back-stabbing scumbags!" Hidan said while playing with the sharp-edged weapon. "Like you! Ow! …No offense" he added as he accidentally hurt himself with the sword…

"If you managed to kill them I assure you they were _not_ like me…" Zetsu said as he picked the sword up, handled it masterfully and gave it back to Hidan. "…and nothing… _nothing_ like the man loose inside this building!"

"What are you, president of his fan club?" Hidan asked sarcastically. Pain laughed…

Zetsu turned around towards Hidan. "No… That would be _your mother!_" he said as he threw sexual pictures of Hidan's mother into the table, in which she was with Sai, the Leaf spy…

"What the…? W-Wait! Ah…" a horrified Hidan said. After that, he was speechless…

"Indeed… And now he's here to fuck _us_!" Zetsu said. "So listen up, boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the _second_ worst thing that happens to you today"

Meanwhile Kisame and Pain were looking at the hot pictures of Hidan's mother, letting their noses bleed…

"Gimme that!" Hidan yelled angrily as he took the pictures from them…

Zetsu walked away while smoking a cigarette. "The spy has already breached our defenses…" Zetsu explained, thinking of a flashback where Sai was running and hid behind the wall, spying on his next victim Sasori who was installing a sentry puppet gun. Sai quickly disabled the puppet and attacked Sasori before he had time to react, shooting him in the head at point-blank range…

"You see what he's done to our colleagues!" Zetsu exclaimed while looking at Tobi's corpse still on the table, and then a flashback showed Tobi sniping when Sai came from behind. Tobi turned around and attempted to aim at Sai, but Sai was too close already and kicked Tobi in the chest, sending him against the wood-planked window, breaking the wooden planks. Tobi took a knife and tried to slash at Sai, but in the end Sai killed him by backstabbing him…

"And worst of all: He could be any one of us!" Zetsu said, and another flashback showed Kakuzu trying to fight Sai, but Sai defeated him and copied his appearance in front of Kakuzu's horrified eyes, before finally breaking Kakuzu's neck with a well-placed blow…

"He could be _in this very room_!" Zetsu exclaimed. "It could be _you_! It could be _me_!" he continued as he grew more desperate. "It could even be…"

Before Zetsu finished, Pain blew his head up with his shotgun and killed him…

"_Whoa whoa whoa!_" a scared Hidan screamed…

"What? It was obvious! He's the Leaf spy!" Pain said. "Watch, he'll transform back any second now…"

Pain, Kisame and Hidan waited, but nothing happened…

"_Any_ second now…" Pain said as he poked Zetsu's corpse with his gun, to no avail. It was obvious by this point that Pain was wrong…

"So… we still got problem…" Kisame said…

By this moment, Hidan slowly walked towards the unsuspecting Pain and Kisame from behind, suddenly manipulating the sword that killed Tobi as if it were his…

"Big problem…" Pain said in agreement to Kisame. "All right… Who's ready to go find this spy?"

By that moment, turns out Hidan wasn't Hidan, but it was Sai all along, complete with his fake smile. "Right behind you" Sai said before brutally killing his two victims…

Once he was finished, Sai looked at the pictures of himself with Hidan's mother, pushing most of them aside and picking up only one. He smiled fondly while looking at that particular picture "Ah… ma petit choux-fleur…" Sai said before putting the picture into his pocket and getting away with the scroll he came to steal…


	9. Meet Sasuke the Pyro

A menacing figure was walking through the devastated wasteland that was his battlefield…

"I fear no man… but that… _thing_… it scares me…" Choji confessed while being interviewed in a dark room…

Indeed, the menacing figure was so feared that the Akatsuki members went into hiding from just seeing him coming. Pain hurriedly closed the door, leaving Hidan outside abandoned to his own luck…

"No, I… I-I ain't talking about that freak! All right?" a scared Naruto said, also interviewed in the dark room. Then he tried to take the microphone out of his clothes. "He's not here, is he?" Naruto asked desperately, looking to both sides. "How do I get this fucking thing off?"

The menacing figure with a flamethrower kicked the door open and entered…

Sai was the one being interviewed in the dark room now. "One shudders to imagine what inhuman thoughts lie behind those Sharingan eyes…" Sai said while Sasuke was burning the whole village down with his flamethrower. "…what dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty?" Sai added…

However, contrary to what Sai suggested, when we switch the perspective to look through Sasuke's Sharingan eyes, we instead see a magical happy world with happy background music, and the flamethrower looks like a harmless machine that fires a cute rainbow and stars and makes colorful flowers blossom. Sasuke laughed maniacally at this happy sight…

Suddenly, Sasuke saw a fat baby with wings bearing Kisame's face. In response Sasuke yanked out a big lollipop that was growing from the ground like a plant. The baby Kisame started running frantically towards Sasuke, while Sasuke happily skipped towards baby Kisame. Once Sasuke reached him, he jumped. In real life, Sasuke was actually holding an axe and he split Kisame's face in half with it, but from his perspective it just looked like he had put the lollipop inside baby Kisame's mouth…

When Sasuke turned around, he saw another fat winged baby, with Hidan's face this time, who flew at full speed towards him and stood on Sasuke's rainbow shooter or whatever Sasuke thought the flamethrower was. In response Sasuke took out a little bubble wand and blew a few harmless bubbles at baby Hidan's face, except that in real life Sasuke had taken out a gun and shot Hidan in the face at point-blank range…

Then Sasuke saw baby Kakuzu greeting him from inside a box and then hiding. Sasuke went to close the box, but in real life he stuck the axe on the wooden door in such a way that it blocked it and left Kakuzu trapped inside the wooden building which Sasuke proceeded to burn down with his flamethrower. "_No! Nooooooo!_" Kakuzu yelled…

But from Sasuke's perspective he just continued in his rampage of happiness in that magical happy world, spraying his rainbow everywhere and making the fat winged babies happy. As Sasuke was leaving, baby Deidara appeared, waving goodbye to him. In real life, Deidara was waving his hand as he pleaded for help while fire was consuming his body. "_I'm burning!_" he screamed…

Another Hidan ran away in fear from Sasuke's fiery rampage. Tobi fell down from the heights and landed face-down on the ground. He managed to reach somebody's foot and grab it. "_Help meeeee!_" Tobi pleaded. Unfortunately for him, that person was Sasuke, who burned him with the flamethrower without hesitation and looked so happy while doing so…

At the end, Sasuke happily walked away in his magical world, or that seems to be what it looks like when seen through the huge hole in the dying Pain's chest. Pain then dropped dead as Sasuke left behind a devastated wasteland of burning mayhem filled with Akatsuki members' corpses…


	10. Meet the BBQ

A piece of BBQ was being cooked on the grill. Choji's hungry growls were audible nearby…

"Yeah, there he is!" Hidan's voice was heard, though the camera never stopped focusing on the BBQ…

"_You!_ Stop right where you are! That is an order!" Pain's voice was heard. Choji kept growling hungrily. "He's getting away!" Pain exclaimed. "Do not let him get to the grill!"

But Choji reached the grill and picked the BBQ up anyway…

"No… Don't do it now!" Hidan said…

"Don't do it!" Pain said…

Choji growled angrily at them…

"Hey hey hey, let's calm down here…" Hidan said. "You listening? J-Just… _Oh Jashin! Oh my god oh my god oh my go…_"

The sound of blood was heard, Choji laughed out loud…

"_Oh Jashin, my blood! He punched out all my blood!_" Hidan screamed…

The sound of broken bones was heard next…

"You call _that_ breaking my spine?" Pain said defiantly to Choji. "You Leaf village ladies wouldn't know how to break a spine if…" then a loud crack was heard. "_Aaaaaaaah, my spine!_" Pain screamed…

And this fanfic ends with Choji calmly standing in the middle of the battlefield eating BBQ and making the sound of "Om nom nom…" while Leaf ninjas and Akatsuki members butcher each other everywhere else…

…_**The End.**_


End file.
